Tiny Book, Big Shift

Applying the Four Agreements to my journey as a woman in tech

A couple of years ago, someone casually recommended The Four Agreements to me. Curious and hopeful, I ordered it on Amazon, imagining a hefty tome filled with life-changing wisdom. Weeks later, when the package arrived, I unwrapped it and to my surprise, it was the size of my palm. Yep, a pocket-sized book that looked more like a snack menu than a spiritual guide. Turns out, I had ordered a condensed edition. Cue my amused eye-roll.

Funny, right? But don’t be misled by its modest size. This small book profoundly shifted the way I approach both coding and my inner critic, especially as a woman finding her footing in front-end development.

💡 If you haven’t read it, here’s the core idea:
Don Miguel Ruiz offers four simple but transformative principles rooted in ancient Toltec wisdom. The agreements are about choosing clarity over confusion, compassion over fear, and freedom over self-doubt. Each one has nudged me to rethink, relearn, and rebuild from how I debug my code to how I speak to myself.

---

1. Be impeccable with your word

“Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.”

Ruiz explains that our words are spells. We cast them inward and outward, shaping the way we see the world and ourselves. Being impeccable means choosing words that are clear, truthful, and free from self-sabotage.

In my first days as a tech newbie, I got caught up for hours on a layout problem, only to discover I’d been inspecting the wrong element the whole time.

But instead of laughing it off, I unraveled:

“If I’m fumbling like this now, how will I ever keep up?”

That voice chipped away at my confidence. I stopped asking for help. I withdrew from conversations. I let self-doubt take the wheel.

💬 What I realized: The way we speak to ourselves becomes the atmosphere we live in.

🌱 Try this next time: Catch one unkind thought and trade it for something gentler:
“I’m learning and that’s exactly where I’m supposed to be.”

---

2. Don’t take anything personally

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality.”

This one might be the hardest because it asks us to stop tying our worth to how we’re received. Whether someone compliments us or ignores us, it’s often more about their state than our value.

When I started connecting on LinkedIn, I agonized over every message. English isn’t my first language, and I kept wondering:

“Did that sound too sharp? Too awkward? Did I mess up?”

And when someone didn’t reply? Silence turned into overthinking: I must have said the wrong thing.

But over time, I began to see the bigger picture. People are busy. They’re juggling a dozen things. Their silence wasn’t a verdict on me.

✨ Here’s a little gentle reminder: When doubt creeps in, whisper to yourself:
“I came with good intentions. That’s enough.”

Your worth isn’t tied to how others respond—or don’t.

---

3. Don’t make assumptions

“Find the courage to ask questions and express what you really want. Communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings and heartbreak.”

We’re wired to fill in the blanks, but assumptions often plant seeds of self-doubt. Ruiz urges us to ask instead of guess, to clarify instead of conclude.

I once joined a free Q&A during a bootcamp. When the speaker asked, “Any questions?”, I went silent, not because I had none, but because I was scared mine would sound out of place.

Later, I messaged someone from the session. Turns out they had the same question but kept quiet too.

That moment stuck with me.
I had assumed I was the only one confused, and it held me back.

💡 Here’s a small tip: Ask the question that feels too obvious or too small. Often, asking opens more doors than pretending to know.

---

4. Always do your best

Always do your best. Your best will change from moment to moment.

This one felt like a deep breath. Your “best” isn’t a fixed standard. Some days, it’s building something from scratch. Other days, it’s just opening your laptop when everything feels heavy.

There were afternoons when I sat down to code and barely made progress. No sleek feature, no glowing accomplishment. I’d organize my files or bookmark resources. I kept telling myself it didn’t count as “real effort”.

But then I realized: small steps are not wasted ones. Preparation is also progress.

💬 What I learned: Showing up on quiet days is still an act of momentum.
✨ A gentler lens: “Today’s best might be slower, but it still counts.”

---

Closing thoughts

At <tech with heart />, I believe tech isn’t just about logic or syntax. It’s about how we show up with resilience, curiosity, and self-kindness.

Especially as someone early in this journey, I’ve realized the biggest shifts aren’t just in what we learn, but how we think, feel, and keep going.

The Four Agreements didn’t hand me answers.
But they helped me ask better questions:

• Am I being fair to myself right now?

• What story am I making up in my head?

• What would it look like to just keep going?

You’re not just learning to code. You’re learning to trust yourself again.
Line by line. Step by step.

---

💬 I’d love to hear: Which agreement resonates with you most these days?

Or: Which one do you find the hardest to practice?

Thank you for staying with me until the very end. I hope we can keep this conversation flowing.